Murder Weapons

12Jul11

- Hey dude

- What?

- I was reading this thing that said that the bicycle is the only invention that has never been used to murder someone.

-That is so wrong. There are tones of things that have never been used as a murder weapon.

- Such as?

- Well, like, like, say, a dollar bill.

- Wrong. They soak it in a special poison, as soon as the victim touches it, bam, dead as a dodo.

- OK, so how about a crouton?

- Again, poison. Dipped in poison (and olive oil to make it tasty) the unsuspecting dinner guest is dead within minutes.

- OK, in that case smart ass, a Spinnaker.

- A what?

- Spinnaker, a ships sail.

- Oh come on, for sure people have been killed by one. Take the crazy dentist from Vienna, the sailing freak that killed his victims on his yacht.

- With a spinnaker?

- Yes. He entices his hapless victim onto his boat, with the promise of fine wine, food and a sunset sail. Then, when the victim is near the front of the boat, he swerves it, the victim lurches and gets tangled up in the spinnaker.

- ‘Swerve’ is that a nautical term?

-Don’t interrupt. Yes, the fucking yacht swerves, the victim is now all tangled up in the spinnaker, shouting and screaming in pain as the ropes slice into his soft white flesh.

- You’re freaking me out a bit.

- And then, the crazy dentist sailor dude, walks calmly up to his victim and pops a poisoned crouton into his mouth. In fact he pours a whole cup load into his mouth. Then grabs him and forces him to swallow them.

- Dude stop it, really.

- And then, it gets better.

- Go on. Stun me.

- Well, with the poison slowly taking effect, along with the muscle relaxants he mixed in there, the captain walks slowly along the wooden decking, and heads beneath decks to go get his folding bicycle.

- Folding bicycle?

- Yes, he bought one a few years back so that he could cycle around and explore the little Mediterranean ports when he docked his boat to stock up on food and stuff.

- Like more Croutons ?

- Yes, to buy stale bread so he could make his own croutons. Anyway, so he gets his folding bicycle, brings it topside, detaches the spinnaker from the mast, along with his now delirious victim, wraps a few lengths of rope around him and rolls him up like a big burrito. He then attaches the folding bike, a makeshift weight, and rolls him over the side. The victim sinks slowly out of sight, his wide eyes and panicked face the last thing the dentist see’s before popping back to the galley to fix himself a mojito.

- Great story dude but was he a good dentist?

- Honestly, I must say I really don’t know. It didn’t mention that.

- Hey what is for dinner?

- Salad

- Hold the croutons ok?

Filed under: humor, humour   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: Crouton, Cup, Honesty, Spinnaker